“We are screwed.” This is the message that came from my friend Ryan at 11:53 PM last Tuesday.
My husband turned over and asked what was happening, and after repeating Ryan’s words to him, the tears fell.
On Wednesday morning, I kept trying to emerge from the quicksand, but I couldn’t get out of bed. I felt drugged. When I finally crawled out from under my covers, I immediately deleted all my social media and news apps. I needed to step away, weep, and attempt to figure out what to do next.
Here is the deal. After almost six days, I am still not sure about anything. My naive belief in democracy has a big, gaping crack in it.
I am not going to engage in the back and forth. I’m too exhausted. I won’t put up with gloating, because considering who is going to be the 45th, that is bullshit, and deep down, you know it, too.
I feel bruised, battered, confused, scared, shattered, and just plain shitty. I’m achy and nauseous, and my optimism has been on the dimmer switch.
I know people I loved voted for this…man. You had your reasons, but you all have to understand at some level why I and many others feel betrayed. Only a quarter of our country voted for him. This is not a majority. My friend Ann said she is angry at the people who refused to vote; that’s the travesty in this whole mess.
All I know is right now I am drowning in a crazy amalgam of the five stages of grief.
Denial: I still can’t believe this is happening to our country.
Anger: I’m fuming over the ignorance, the hate, the greed, and the slew of lies that got us into this fucking mess.
Bargaining: What the hell? Bargaining? How do you bargain with the devil?
Depression: I’ve been despondent since late Tuesday evening, and it doesn’t seem to be lifting any time soon.
Acceptance? Sorry, Oprah and Obama, I can’t even say his name, let alone recognize he will soon be the leader of the free world. The thought gives me vertigo.
So where do I go from here now that I’ve tentatively crawled out from my safe haven of books, yoga, music, food, and lots and lots of wine?
I will continue my break from social media. I’ll peek at it, but I’m not wallowing there. It’s too angry, too sad, too much. If you want to contact me, give me a call. We’ll get coffee.
I will concentrate on still harboring the light in the world, which will be even more pressing as we enter a new era. This administration’s decisions will affect us all. My innocence has imploded, but my determination is still strong.
There is still good. There is still decency. There is still hope.
But right now I am still grieving.